Derp The Not-So Nice jokes thread!!

While traveling on the bus this morning I noticed this really fit bird that I couldn’t take my eyes off. She saw me looking and smiled back.

I thought, "Wow, I’m in here."

For the next ten minutes we continued to smile at each other and gaze into each other's eyes. As the bus pulled into the next stop, she looked like she was about to get off. I decided to make my move and got out of my seat to ask for her number.

She rose towards me and, without even asking, she passed me a bit of paper with her number already written on it. As she pressed it into my hand she kissed me gently on the cheek and whispered in my ear, "Please call me."

The doors soon opened and she disappeared with the departing crowd. I returned back to my seat, feeling giddy and light headed with what had just happened,

until I felt a smack on the side on the head and my wife shouted, "What the f**k you think your doing?"

 

"2012 wife"

Husband: Begum ek cup chaye bna do na,

Wife: kyaaaaaaa? Zara phir se kehna.......

Husband: meny kaha g ek cup chaye bana dun apko??

 

Law of equality:

The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 min is exactly equal to the time taken by husb when he says 'I'll cal u in 5 min

 

Heights OF FLIRTING...When you are listening to a romantic song & cant decide......................................................konsi wali ke baare mein socha jaaye ...........

 

Husband Wife Chori K Masley Pe Bat Kr Rhe They..

Husband:Jo Shaks Chori Krta Hai Wo Bad Me Pachtata Zaroor Hy...

Wife: Aur Tm Ne Jo Shadi Se Phley Meri Neendein Churai Thi Un K Barey Me Kya Khayal Hy?

Husband: Mai Apna Khayal Phle Hi Zahir Kr Chuka Hun K Jo Chori Krta Hy Wo Pachtata Zaroor Hy

 

Girl : um, suno.
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Guy : huh?
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Girl : kuch zaroori baat kahni hai.
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Guy : kaho.
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Girl : sabke samne kehne mai sharm aati hai.
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Guy (kinda excited) : arre, keh bhi do.
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Girl : log hasenge
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Guy : kuch nahi hoga
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Girl : yeh baat tumahre kaanome kehna behtar hai.
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Guy (lending a ear…tense) : ab kaho.
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Girl : tumahri pant piche se phati hui hai..!!

 

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Delhi. They turned a corner and see a sign that says,
'Old Timers Bar -all drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.

The bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender Serves up four iced martinis. Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please . '

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent

martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the

lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't
have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're my frenz from RAID101 waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

 

Three things in life are important....1.Breakfast, 2.Lunch, 3.Dinner.....................har baar emotional hone ki zarurat nahi hai.

 

An idea can change ur life

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BUT

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A girl can change ur idea.

So

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Alwayz change ur girlfrnd to get new ideas.

Wah wah

What an idea Sir Jee:.

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Suddenly, one of the employee in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice. When he returned his manager asked for explanation.​

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The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The manager let it go at That.​

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After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his father died. Then the manager got changed. After 3 months the same pattern Repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.​

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After 3 months same thing again... And this time his father died. This Happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, Human resource manager checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"​

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NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...​

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To which the employee said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."​

 

In a Grammar class.

Teacher Asked The Students.....

Teacher: "HE does not like girls"

What is 'He' in this sentence. . ??
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Student: Gay. . . . !!!

 

Flirting Is Like A Game Of Chess
One Wrong Move And You Are
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Married

 

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:​

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The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?​

The Indian: Of course!​

The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.​

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The Indian says nothing.​

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The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?​

The Indian repeats: Of course.​

The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all​

the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and​

transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.​

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The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?​

American: We throw them away, of course!​

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Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!​

 

I want u ...
To be with me In a nice Restaurent
To have candle light dinner.... &
to say those sweet three words to U....
"Pay The Bill"

 

Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:
"can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"see i told you not to worry!!!!".

 

It Is Said That If A Girl Closes Her Eyes,
She Sees The Person She Loves The Most..And

When Boys Do That...
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SLIDE-SHOW Begins.... ​

 

A line written on a Husband's T shirt :
ALL GIRLS ARE DEVIL BUT MY WIFE IS QUEEN..
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OF THEM..

 

A man runs like hell through the city and he finally reaches his friend’s apartment.

All sweaty and panting he said: I came to warn you! I got here as quick as I can!


Why what happened? said the other man in a bit of a shock


Friends 1: My wife bought a new diamond set and she’s heading towards your wife to show it to her!

 

A rich delhi panju had an accident, in his new BMW....
The Cops came n panju asks sadly fficer meri brand new car" !
Cop: you are so blinded by money that u don't even realise ur left arm is gone in the accident...
panju looks at his left arm n shouts " ooh tere ki....Meri ROLEX" !!!!

 

Apne suna hoga Maa-Baap ke karmo ka Fal Beto ko milta hai,
Lekin kabhi-kabhi Maa-Baap ke karmo ka Fal,
Unke DAMADON ko bhi Bhugatana padta hai!

--- Double Post Merged, Aug 27, 2012 ---

A dog asked a cat:

why do you hide when you are doin it?

The cat replied :

that's because we dont want humans to copy our style, they have already copied yours.

 

faqir (car mein baithi lady se): Madam 10 Rs dedo...
Lady ne paise dene ke baad kaha: dua to dete jao...
faqir: car mein toh baithi hai moti ....ab kya ROCKET pe baithegi...