Derp The ultimate joke thread

Discussion in 'RAIDers League' started by TheMightyS, Aug 29, 2012.

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  1. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Anil came from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his girl who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies Anil 'Well just relax and let it happen'And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his girl shouting 'Anil, wake up you drunken ?#@*&%!^$~, you're shitting on the bed'


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  2. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Ek Ladki ki 5 Crore ki lottery nikli.

    Company ne socha achanak bataaya to ladki khushi se mar sakti hai.



    Usne Pappu ko ye kaam saunpa ki aise batao ki wo khushi se mar na jaaye.


    PAPPU ne ja ke us Ladki ko bola Farz karo aap ka 5 Crore ka Inaam nikle to kya karogi?


    Ladki: Aap ke saamne 'nangi' ho jaaungi..
    Aap meri ?#@*&%!^$~ me apna ?#@*&%!^$~ dalna jitni baar chaho...
    Mai aapka ?#@*&%!^$~ chusungi...
    Aap mere bobe chusna meri ?#@*&%!^$~ b maar lena...
    Aur jaise tumara man kare waise karna

    Or aadha inaam b tumhe de dungi.



    Behen ka ?#@*&%!^$~ Pappu khushi se mar gya...!


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  3. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Ek faujii jung se 3 saal baad wapas aya aur khidki k paas udaas baith gaya.
    Biwi ko sex ki ichha hui. Biwi dupatta gira k boli dekho hawa ne mera kya uda diya.

    Faujji chup.

    Phir kurti nikali aur boli,dekho hawa ne mera kya uda diya..

    Faujji fir chup..

    phir salwar utari aur boli,dekho hawa ne mera kya uda diya....

    Faujji ko gussa aya, pent utar kar bola: "dekh bomb ne mera kya uda diya"

    Biwi chup...


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  4. BANHAMMER

    BANHAMMER Teh Almighty BanHammer Staff Member

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    Please keep them all in one thread. I am merging the thread for santabanta, ultimate and not so nice jokes.
    until unless any one have GENUINE objection to this, this will be done in next 20 minutes.
     
  5. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    BAAP OF ALL JOKES :D

    Ek baar class main inspection hoti hain..

    Headmaster sahib aate hain....... Sawaal karna shuru!

    Headmaster: "Bachoo Hamari body ka sabse naram part konsa hain"?

    Jab koi jawab nahin deta to master Tinku ki taraf ishara karte hue Headmaster: "Tinku tum is ka jawab do"!!
    Tinku: "Master ji hamari body ka sabse naram part hain ?#@*&%!^$~, kyon ki, agar hame thand (cold) lag gaye hum kehte hain '?#@*&%!^$~ Phat gayi', Garmi lag jaya hum kehte hain '?#@*&%!^$~ phat gayi', thoda chalna pad jaye'?#@*&%!^$~ phat gayi', Rona aa jaye '?#@*&%!^$~ phat gayi', Homework karana ho'?#@*&%!^$~ phat gayi'

    Headmaster ko gussa to aata hain lekin tinku ka jawaab bhi sahi hain to woh kuch nahin kehta.. phir sawaal karta hain

    Headmaster: "acha aab ye batao ke, Ladki ki jab shaadi ho jaati hain to woh Doli ke time roti kyon hain"

    Phir koi jawaab nahin deta......master phir Tinku ko jawaab dene ko kehta hain.

    Tinku: " Master ji aap itne bade master, gyani or Samajhdar AGAR AAPKI KOI 400KM GHAR SE DOOOOOR LE JAA KAR ?#@*&%!^$~ MAREGA TO AAPKO RONA NAHIN AAYEGA?

    Master ji ko phir bhut gussa aata hain lekin tinku ka jawaab bhi thik hain...isleye woh use kuch nahin kehta. Master phir sawaal karata hain

    Headmaster: " Acha bachoo agar main aapko tisri aankh lagane ki shakti doon to tum kahan lagwaoge"

    Koi bacha kehta hain sir pe, koi kehta hain mooh main, koi kehta hain pet main. koi kehta hain kaan pe.....

    Master ko koi bhi answer acha nahin lagta hain to woh Tinku ko phir khada karta hain

    Tinku: " Master ji main tisri aankh haat ki badi wali ungli main lagawaoonga"

    Headmaster: " Kyon Tinku"

    Tinku: " Main usko aapki ?#@*&%!^$~ main dalke ye dekhoonga ke aisa kaun sa kida aapki ?#@*&%!^$~ main Bhatak raha hain jo Salla har Sawaal mujhe hi pooch raha hai...=))


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  6. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Ek Pakistani Delhi aaya aur taxi wale se mazak mein bola:Yaar 1947 ke partition mein mere abba India me apna ?#@*&%!^$~ bhul gaye the, Tumko pata hai wo kahaan milega ?
    TAXI WALA:Janab samne lal kile me ek bora rakha h,usme wo sab ?#@*&%!^$~ rakhe h jo partition me India me reh gaye the.Aap woh pura bora le jao,jo ?#@*&%!^$~ aapki "MAA ki ?#@*&%!^$~" me fit aaye wo rakh lena baki jumme ki namaz me bant dena taki bakiyon ko apni Ma Chudane k liye INDIA aane ki zarurat na pade!


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  7. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Girl: Who is Sunny Leone?

    Boy: She is d female version of Suny Deol wid dhai dhai kilos
    ( . )( . )
    Jisko dekh kr aadmi
    uthta nai
    uska uth jata hai


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  8. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Isnt this nsfw as well... Do as u wish man.. Dats all i can say.. I juzz raised my concern.. Over wat i wanted to say


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  9. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    1 Ldki ki T Shirt pe car bani hui thi.
    1 Baccha use Dekh rha tha
    Ldki:Car chalani h Kya?
    Baccha:nhi car nhi chalani par agar aap ki ijazat ho to horn bja lu:):)


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  10. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    88 yr old man 2 doctor- I hv made My 20 yr old wife pregnant
    Dr.-1 kahani suno
    "1 shikari shikar pe jate hue jaldi me gun k jagah umbrela le gaya
    jungle me uske
    saamne lion aa gaya.
    usne umbrela ka handle khicha aur fire kiya.
    lion mar gaya."
    old man-impossible kisi aur ne goli mari hogi
    Dr. "EXACTLY"


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  11. JD666

    JD666 RAID Leader Staff Member

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    I think we have enough joke threads. Requesting raid leaders to merge all threads. rpm, harryneopotter initpidzero

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  12. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    ‎​Airtel corrupt song:

    I, me myself boring hai,
    Masturbating disinteresting hai,
    Internet hai toh ?#@*&%!^$~ hai,
    ?#@*&%!^$~ hai toh mazaa hai!

    Tere muh mein mera hai,
    Mere muh mein tera,
    Mere muh mein tera hai,
    Tere muh mein mera.

    Charas Teri, mera ganja ho,
    Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey
    ?#@*&%!^$~ mera tera bachcha ho,
    Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

    Mein aur tum se sex bane,
    Sex se bane hum Sab,
    Sex ke liye ?#@*&%!^$~ chahiye,
    So hey ?#@*&%!^$~, WHAT'S UP!!

    Tera ?#@*&%!^$~ mera ?#@*&%!^$~,
    Mera ?#@*&%!^$~ tera suck,
    Tere ?#@*&%!^$~s, mera lick,
    Teri ?#@*&%!^$~ mera ?#@*&%!^$~.

    Tere muh mein mera hai,
    Mere muh mein tera,
    Mere muh mein tera hai
    aur tere muh mein mera!!


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  13. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Santa goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

    Santa "Mitha hai kya ?"

    Chemist "No, not at all,"

    "Good" says Santa .

    "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." =)) :D =D X_X


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  14. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    SEX is the only game in the world without referees, Players are naked, Scores are counted in terms of SHOTS, there are no WINNERS or LOSERS. Each team enjoys, Celebrates, Shouts and screams when they are ready to score, & often go silent thereafter. Do you have a match today...?;)


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  15. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Dosto Kabhi Socha Hai Ki Sania Mirza Ne Paksitani Make Hi Life Partner Kyu Banaya.
    Because She Knows That An Enemy Can ?#@*&%!^$~ Better Than Friend.


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  16. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Once a guy goes into a doctors and says 'Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!''Well how often do you have it?' the doctor asks. 'Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day', he answers back.'That's not so much', says the doctor. 'Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day, ' replies the man.'Well that is probably a bit excessive, ' says the doctor. 'Yes, butthats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a nightlady, TWICE a day, ' says the man. 'Well, that's definitely to much', says the doctor.'You've got to learn to take yourself in hand.' 'I do', says the man. 'Twice a day


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  17. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Qudrat Ne Aurat ko Haseen Banaya.. !!!
    Khubsurti Di.. Hirni Si Aankhein.. Resham Se Baal...
    Gulab K Pankhuriyon Se Hont.. Pyaar Bhra Dil
    Diya...!!!.... .
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    Phir Zuban Di : Aur Sub Satya-Naas Ho Gaya ! :D


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  18. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    A rich snob walks into a neighborhood bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like some thirty-year-old Scotch." The bartender searches for a while but all he can find is some eighteen-year-old Scotch. He figures the snob won't know the difference and pours a glass of it (over ice, of course).

    The snob takes one sip and spits it back into the glass. He says, "Bartender, this is eighteen-year-old Scotch. I asked for thirty-year-old Scotch." The bartender searches and searches but all he can find is some twenty-four-year-old Scotch. He figures the snob can't possibilly tell the difference so he pours him some.

    The snob takes one sip and spits it out all over the bar. He says, "Bartender, I specifically asked for thirty-year-old Scotch and this is clearly twenty-four-year-old Scotch. Now I am going to go to the gentlemen's room and when I come back there had bloody well better be some thirty-year-old Scotch in this glass." Off he goes to visit the facilities.

    While the bartender is searching, a local drunk who has been watching the proceedings ambles over and pisses in the snob's glass. The bartender, unable to find any suitable Scotch, is just returning when the snob gets back from the men's room and takes a sip. He spits it out and then says, "Bartender, this is PISS!" From his perch on the other side of the bar, the drunk asks, "So ... how old am I?"
     
  19. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    Man: Do u remember our Wedding Night 50 years ago?How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe u were still a virgin.

    Wife: Yes. I guess its pay back time. Should I blow my nose on the sheet so that everyone thinks u can still ejaculate:)


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  20. TheMightyS

    TheMightyS ActiveRAIDer

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    The Army headquarter recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus 10,0000 rs for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

    The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,0000

    The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,0000

    When the third general, a grizzled old navy was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my ?#@*&%!^$~ to the bottom of my testicles."

    The pension man suggested that perhaps the Navy general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Navy general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

    The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ?#@*&%!^$~ and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
    The general replied, "In Pakistan ."


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